As Free As You Want To Be

This story may be as confusing as it was for me in attempting to unravel it.

But the drive to find again the person I loved so deeply ages ago was undeniable. And this drive dictated my thoughts, emotions and actions in ways I never recognized or identified.

A natural, inborn personality and attitude of spontaneity, aliveness, combined with fearless and reckless abandon created the person I was then. Further, this person I once was, long, long ago, was found attractive and desirable to a woman I knew at that time. A woman who so captured my thoughts, feelings, emotions and actions with her natural beauty and carefree spirit, that wanted to be with her forever.

The fact that this ultimately led to my untimely demise was not considered. I remained undeterred in my quest to be with that woman . . . the same woman who is now my wife, some two-hundred years later.

I ended up feeling that I had to keep such urges and emotions under tight control. So, I clamped them down . . . and the decision to stop those feelings, the ones that lead to a lapse in ethical and moral judgment, is still as strong as when it was made.

I was no longer the “free spirit” I once was. Things were different. I decided I could no longer trust myself to I act on raw emotion alone. Something had to change. The solution became to trust logic instead of emotions.

But this too is a double-edged sword with unintended and unanticipated negative consequences. Once I decided I could no longer trust myself to control my own emotions and feelings, I also lost the feeling of spontaneity and aliveness that identified who I really was. The feelings that allowed the woman I had been searching for since 1789 (sic.) to be attracted to me, were now enclosed in a sturdy mental lock-box labeled, “Danger – Do Not Open.”

I became the jailor in a prison of my own construction, powered by my own energy to stop myself from using my natural impulses to achieve a goal I made over two-hundred years ago: to find again this woman I loved so deeply and had lost so many years ago.

My resolve to keep myself under control also included shutting off native sense perceptions, instincts and intentions. The freedom that comes from creating a life as you choose, no matter what, is also hidden from view.

I built myself a jail to put myself in. The bars of this cage where held in place by an energy generated from myself. The shadow barriers were kept there only as long as I kept enough attention on the area to remind myself not to let myself get out of control again.

This was a trap. Pure and simple. It needed no jailor. It required no guards, no one else to watch over you to make sure you stayed put. It was a self-generated trap. No one else even cared any longer. It was over and in the past. Soon no one would even remember what had happened. It was up to me alone to keep that memory there to remind myself to keep generating the energy to keep the bars of the jail in place. It was a far greater sentence that anyone else would have required.

It was a stop to end all stops! One’s independence, self-confidence, belief in self and trust of oneself is over at that point. I set up a way to restrain myself more effective that anyone else could ever have done.

Not only did I set it up so that I created the trap but also generated the energy necessary to keep the trap door shut. And further, no one else had to monitor me further. I was the jailor as well as the inmate.

Restraint of myself became the watchword. Be careful was my motto. Obey was the order of the day. All this and more only because of a youthful indiscretion.

Whatever good I may have been to society and myself after that point was tempered by having to push through the stop that put on myself.

If I really let myself out and became truly free, who knows what would have happened?

I set it up so that I had to prove to myself and the rest of society that I could be trusted; that I was not a liability to have around; and most importantly, that I could once again trust myself.

At the end of the day, it is only me who can trap myself and only me that can let myself free. Without my agreement, the trap no longer exists; as I am creating it!

And now I am free of it; free to observe, decide and act according to the greatest good for all.

In short, I’m as free as I decide to let myself be.

Dan Jacobs

20 Feb 2004

 

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