The following paragraph contains intellectual stimulation in the form of discourse requiring not only some experience with reading the written word but further, a monologue that may create uncomfortable sensations unfamiliar to the uninitiated.

Faculties that have been neglected, ignored and abused for decades may be called into use again unexpectedly resulting in great discomfort. Above all, do not attempt to read this paragraph while operating heavy machinery or flipping hamburgers.

WARNING #2: Do not begin reading this writing in the middle of your favorite TV show or if you’re rushing out to pick up your cat from the veterinarian. Get all those extraneous things done, then, sit down and read for enjoyment for a change.

DISCLAIMER: The author disavows any responsibility for the unexpected awakening of the mental processes as a result of reading this writing. Any awareness that may become stimulated, any new ability to reason, think, cogitate or form complete sentences of rational thought as a consequence to this writing is entirely due to becoming reminded of one’s native awareness and is the true source of any benefit obtained thereby.

Hell no, this ain’t no April Fools Day joke fool! . . . I actually did write this email early this morning in response to an email that I received from someone in a distant state, (also in a state of some anxiety) that started out as follows: “The week has not been one of great accord, harmony, and enchantment but I have attempted to reconcile it as best I could.”

So, herein is my response humbly tendered for your perusal, edification and possible amusement. I send this to you as one of a very few who appreciates the use of language for something other than ordering a cheese-burg’r and . . . “ya want fry’s wid’ dat?” or “Hey, can’t you see I’m walking here?”

So, here it is, possibly the longest paragraph I’ve ever written as an April Fools Day tribute.


April 1st, 2005

If the lateness of the hour of writing your mail and the troublesome nature of the first sentence is any indication, I suspect your “dis+stress” level index has been rising to a degree inconsistent with any healthy physical, mental or more importantly, spiritual condition . . . and unfortunately, all I can offer is sympathy and the words of this to provide a temporary respite and possibly some mental diversion from the stress . . . hopefully providing an outlet for creating something more interesting and engaging than the “noise” of the “real world” for a moment in a manner that you might find worthy of your time and attention. . . this writing then, is offered to you as an exchange for your contribution of same to my well-being in your current and previous mails, as I have found that I look forward to each correspondence as I know they will be, at the least, a meaningful combination of printed symbols, representing in text a particular sound or combinations of sounds, forming a single word or a group of words that express a complete thought resulting in an accompanying feeling or idea in a language that I can comprehend, understand and gain insight from as a result of absorbing the concepts contained therein; and yes, I know . . . the preceding passage is an obvious exercise in sophomoric verbosity and rhetorical pretentiousness – not exactly a subtle point really – but I find that I also enjoy such exercises from time to time, as I’m sure you do, if only to engage sometimes underutilized interests and abilities and to provide some vital mental exercise to keep on top of my game so to speak and also simply for my own personal satisfaction to see if I am still able to hold the coherent development of abstract concept that can be often only appreciated intellectually while at the same time still deliver the intended message in an engaging manner . . . all in the face of what is now rapidly becoming a protracted, copious and convoluted thought process . . . (I’m reminded of something my youngest son Evan says about how, on the rare occasion when he begins to get noticeably light-headed when talking, that now even HE is aware that he’s been going on TOO LONG) . . . however, I trust you will forgive my effusive excesses of voluble loquaciousness, and further that you will not find it too tediously long-winded, complicated or professorial . . . for this was intended only as a humorous trifle to capture your attention for a moment and give you pause for thought of something more interesting and enjoyable than the troublesome, hidden attention-grabbers of the unfortunately and inaccurately named, “real world,” and finally . . . I would hope that this paragraph, which I am excruciatingly aware is composed of well over 500 words (and that IS excessive) . . . will be received in the manner in which it was intended . . . to bring a smile to your face and a spring in your step that might not otherwise have been anticipated . . . so at long last, this exhaustive communication can be concluded and finally reach a happy ending!

DWJ, 2005




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